Jesus and Judas

Jesus: So, quick question. This "heaven" thing -- are we in?
Judas: What are you-? Of *course* we're in! The whole point of me hanging out with you is so I can get in.
Jesus: Wait, you're not with me because I'm a good friend?
Judas: When have you ever been a good friend to me?
Jesus: Hey, are we playing the question game?
Judas: No.
Jesus: Ha-ha, you lose!
Judas: We weren't playing.
Jesus: That sounds just like what a loser would say.
Judas: Fine. Round two. Why are you naked right now?
Jesus: ...It's hot out.
Judas: Not a question, dude.
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: It's hot out?

Judas: Will you please admit that you've gotten us lost?
Jesus: No! I know these corn fields like the back of my hand.
Judas: Well, there's something that's always gonna stay the same...
Jesus: Huh?
Pharisee: Jesus! Are you plucking ears of corn? On the *Sabbath*?
Jesus: What? No. I'm just hungry as shit.
Judas: Yeah, dude, I think it's okay for us to grab a snack. We're lost, can you help?
Pharisee: Oh, no... Oh, the "Lord" is working on the Sabbath! Oh! Oh..!
Jesus: What is *with* this dude?
Judas: Hey! C'mon man, stop moaning and wailing. Can you just point us in the direction of Galilee?
Jesus: Is he... is he whipping himself?
Judas: Yeah, this is all kinds of messed up.
Jesus: Where did he even come from?
Judas: He might have a point though, right? About the corn and the Sabbath and stuff?
Jesus: Oh, no, that's fine. The Sabbath isn't made for God, it's made for man.
Judas: That might be the wisest thing you've ever said.
Jesus: You gotta bear in mind that I'm super high.

Jesus: Guys! It's me! I'm back from the dead!
Peter: Praise be! It's a miracle!
Thaddeus: Oh wonder of wonders!
Judas: Are you shitting me?
Andrew: I think you should be a little more jubilant, Judas. Our Lord and savior just returned from the grave!
Judas: Oh, please, he wasn't dead -- he was drunk.
Jesus: Okay, if anyone in here is taking notes, for like a Gospel or something, just ignore what Judas is saying.
Judas: He got drunk on wine, which he *stole*, and had to sleep it off in some cave for a few days.
Jesus: What about my wounds, Judas? My sacred, special wounds?
Judas: What? You skinned your knee?
Thomas: Yeah, those don't look like particularly severe wounds, Lord.
Judas: Finally, someone on my side.
Thomas: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, JUDAS.

Jesus: Dude, you have to stop interrupting me when I'm preaching to the people.
Judas: But you keep getting everything wrong! Earlier you spent forty-five minutes discussing how God made Moses live in the belly of a whale!
Jesus: Screw you, I'm the expert on this shit. I practically wrote the damn Bible.
Judas: You don't know a thing. I bet you thirty pieces of silver you can't name the books of the Torah.
Jesus: Sure I can. Genesis. Exodus. New Moon. Eclipse... And... Genesis, again.
Judas: Frankly, I'm amazed you got the first two. Now pay up.
Jesus: To live the spiritual life, you must forsake money, Judas.
Judas: Give. Me. The thirty. Pieces. Of silver.
Jesus: I don't have it, and I wouldn't give it to you if I did.
Judas: I'm getting that money, asshole.
Jesus: Sure, over my dead body!

Pharisee: So what happens if a woman marries a man, he dies, she marries his brother, he dies, she marries his other brother, he dies, and so on until she has married seven brothers and they have all perished? Who is she married to in Heaven?
Judas: Well, in Heaven, we'll all be like the angels.
Jesus: Judas, I can handle this.
Judas: Oh, um. Okay.
Jesus: Like Judas was saying, we'll be like the angels. All of us. Except Judas.
Judas: *sigh*
Jesus: But I gotta ask -- what's up with this chick marrying the brothers? Is she killing these dudes? Because it sure sounds like she's killing these dudes.
Pharisee: It's just an example, Jesus...
Jesus: We should form a posse, go stone this bitch.
Judas: I thought we were going to go easy on the stoning, Lord.
Jesus: That's "Lord Who Is God", Judas.
Judas: Don't make me say the whole thing, man.
Jesus: I'll stone you too. Don't think I won't.

Jesus: I guess sometimes I just get really sad. You know, because I'm going to die, and everything.
Judas: Well, Jesus, we're all going to die.
Jesus: Yeah, but my way is gonna kind of suck.
Judas: Wait... you know how you're gonna die?
Jesus: I told you about this before. Weren't you listening? With the cross, and the nails, and shit?
Judas: I thought you were just really high.
Jesus: I *was* really high, but I was also dropping some bombs. And the bombs were full of truth. They were *truth bombs*, Judas.
Judas: Don't ruin this moment, man.
Jesus: Dude, if I really wanted to ruin the moment, I'd tell you how *you* are going to kick it.
Judas: You know that, too?
Jesus: Big time. I pretty much know everything. Except, like, math and stuff.
Judas: And how to be a good person.
Jesus: Right.
Judas: ...
Jesus: ...You hang yourself.
Judas: You're an asshole.

Jesus: All I'm saying is that it wouldn't kill you to stand on a desk and say "O Captain, My Captain" to me once in a while.

Jesus: I’ve decided to start supporting local business.
Judas: Really? Because you could start by buying my memoi-
Jesus: Yep. Let’s go to Walmart.
Judas: Oh, you’ve actually made a very easy mistake. Walmart is actually a huge corporation, kind-of the opposite of “local business”. And when I say that you made a very easy mistake, I mean, of course, the exact opposite. You are a cretinous human being.
Jesus: What… what are you doing? That’s way too mean for you. Are you just going through the motions with this? Is that what’s happening?
Judas: I have to say, Jesus, that this whole routine seems to be getting a bit stale. I’m beginning to legitimately hate you.
Jesus: Wow. You know, you’re actually affecting me here, on an emotional level. For real. You’re right — I say some stupid things, and I’m cruel to you, and I need to grow up. I need to be the Jesus that we’ve been waiting for. I need to be a better human.
Judas: Really?
Jesus: No! Fuck you! Let’s go buy things at Walmart using your credit card and then stop in a bunch of small businesses on the way home and *gloat*.

Jesus: Get moving, Judas, we gotta go sign autographs.
Judas: I don't think that's a very messiah-y thing to do, Jesus.
Jesus: Oh, don't worry, I'm not signing *my* name.
Judas: Please don't tell me what you're doing. I don't want to know. Just leave.
Jesus: Fine. Except no, I have to tell you, because it's awesome. I figured out that I can forge celebrities's signatures on documents saying that they attacked me in the street, and then I can go up to the celebrity and threaten to release the documents unless they give me money!
Judas: So when you say "we gotta go sign autographs", you mean "I want to indulge in some fraud and extortion."
Jesus: Sure, if you want to get all technical about it.
Judas: Oh, believe me, there is nothing technical about any part of what you're doing. Which celebrities are you targeting?
Jesus: This Pilate guy seems pretty popular.
Judas: That's gonna come back to bite you in the ass.
Jesus: Pff.

Jesus: Hey man, I have a question about David and Goliath.
Judas: Shoot.
Jesus: Okay, well, how come the little guy-
Judas: Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't let me finish. I meant to say "shoot me". As in, "shoot me so that I don't have to answer whatever stupid question you currently have rattling around in your brain, you imbecile."
Jesus: ...I don't have a gun.
Judas: I'm actually surprised, and heartened, by that fact.
Jesus: Well, the cops confiscated it, so... Anyway. David and Goliath. How come the little guy won?
Judas: I guess the easiest answer is to say that he didn't. Neither of them won. Because they didn't exist.
Jesus: That answer's no fun.
Judas: Oh, of course, I apologize. After all, the story of David and Goliath is all *about* fun.