February 2011
5 posts
Games.
Jesus: So, quick question. This "heaven" thing -- are we in?
Judas: What are you-? Of *course* we're in! The whole point of me hanging out with you is so I can get in.
Jesus: Wait, you're not with me because I'm a good friend?
Judas: When have you ever been a good friend to me?
Jesus: Hey, are we playing the question game?
Judas: No.
Jesus: Ha-ha, you lose!
Judas: We weren't playing.
Jesus: That sounds just like what a loser would say.
Judas: Fine. Round two. Why are you naked right now?
Jesus: ...It's hot out.
Judas: Not a question, dude.
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: It's hot out?
Pharisees are jerks.
Judas: Will you please admit that you've gotten us lost?
Jesus: No! I know these corn fields like the back of my hand.
Judas: Well, there's something that's always gonna stay the same...
Jesus: Huh?
Pharisee: Jesus! Are you plucking ears of corn? On the *Sabbath*?
Jesus: What? No. I'm just hungry as shit.
Judas: Yeah, dude, I think it's okay for us to grab a snack. We're lost, can you help?
Pharisee: Oh, no... Oh, the "Lord" is working on the Sabbath! Oh! Oh..!
Jesus: What is *with* this dude?
Judas: Hey! C'mon man, stop moaning and wailing. Can you just point us in the direction of Galilee?
Jesus: Is he... is he whipping himself?
Judas: Yeah, this is all kinds of messed up.
Jesus: Where did he even come from?
Judas: He might have a point though, right? About the corn and the Sabbath and stuff?
Jesus: Oh, no, that's fine. The Sabbath isn't made for God, it's made for man.
Judas: That might be the wisest thing you've ever said.
Jesus: You gotta bear in mind that I'm super high.
Praise be!
Jesus: Guys! It's me! I'm back from the dead!
Peter: Praise be! It's a miracle!
Thaddeus: Oh wonder of wonders!
Judas: Are you shitting me?
Andrew: I think you should be a little more jubilant, Judas. Our Lord and savior just returned from the grave!
Judas: Oh, please, he wasn't dead -- he was drunk.
Jesus: Okay, if anyone in here is taking notes, for like a Gospel or something, just ignore what Judas is saying.
Judas: He got drunk on wine, which he *stole*, and had to sleep it off in some cave for a few days.
Jesus: What about my wounds, Judas? My sacred, special wounds?
Judas: What? You skinned your knee?
Thomas: Yeah, those don't look like particularly severe wounds, Lord.
Judas: Finally, someone on my side.
Thomas: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, JUDAS.
Spiritual path.
Jesus: Dude, you have to stop interrupting me when I'm preaching to the people.
Judas: But you keep getting everything wrong! Earlier you spent forty-five minutes discussing how God made Moses live in the belly of a whale!
Jesus: Screw you, I'm the expert on this shit. I practically wrote the damn Bible.
Judas: You don't know a thing. I bet you thirty pieces of silver you can't name the books of the Torah.
Jesus: Sure I can. Genesis. Exodus. New Moon. Eclipse... And... Genesis, again.
Judas: Frankly, I'm amazed you got the first two. Now pay up.
Jesus: To live the spiritual life, you must forsake money, Judas.
Judas: Give. Me. The thirty. Pieces. Of silver.
Jesus: I don't have it, and I wouldn't give it to you if I did.
Judas: I'm getting that money, asshole.
Jesus: Sure, over my dead body!
Wisdom.
Pharisee: So what happens if a woman marries a man, he dies, she marries his brother, he dies, she marries his other brother, he dies, and so on until she has married seven brothers and they have all perished? Who is she married to in Heaven?
Judas: Well, in Heaven, we'll all be like the angels.
Jesus: Judas, I can handle this.
Judas: Oh, um. Okay.
Jesus: Like Judas was saying, we'll be like the angels. All of us. Except Judas.
Judas: *sigh*
Jesus: But I gotta ask -- what's up with this chick marrying the brothers? Is she killing these dudes? Because it sure sounds like she's killing these dudes.
Pharisee: It's just an example, Jesus...
Jesus: We should form a posse, go stone this bitch.
Judas: I thought we were going to go easy on the stoning, Lord.
Jesus: That's "Lord Who Is God", Judas.
Judas: Don't make me say the whole thing, man.
Jesus: I'll stone you too. Don't think I won't.
November 2010
3 posts
Seriousness.
Jesus: I guess sometimes I just get really sad. You know, because I'm going to die, and everything.
Judas: Well, Jesus, we're all going to die.
Jesus: Yeah, but my way is gonna kind of suck.
Judas: Wait... you know how you're gonna die?
Jesus: I told you about this before. Weren't you listening? With the cross, and the nails, and shit?
Judas: I thought you were just really high.
Jesus: I *was* really high, but I was also dropping some bombs. And the bombs were full of truth. They were *truth bombs*, Judas.
Judas: Don't ruin this moment, man.
Jesus: Dude, if I really wanted to ruin the moment, I'd tell you how *you* are going to kick it.
Judas: You know that, too?
Jesus: Big time. I pretty much know everything. Except, like, math and stuff.
Judas: And how to be a good person.
Jesus: Right.
Judas: ...
Jesus: ...You hang yourself.
Judas: You're an asshole.
Puck.
Jesus: All I'm saying is that it wouldn't kill you to stand on a desk and say "O Captain, My Captain" to me once in a while.
Community action.
Jesus: I’ve decided to start supporting local business.
Judas: Really? Because you could start by buying my memoi-
Jesus: Yep. Let’s go to Walmart.
Judas: Oh, you’ve actually made a very easy mistake. Walmart is actually a huge corporation, kind-of the opposite of “local business”. And when I say that you made a very easy mistake, I mean, of course, the exact opposite. You are a cretinous human being.
Jesus: What… what are you doing? That’s way too mean for you. Are you just going through the motions with this? Is that what’s happening?
Judas: I have to say, Jesus, that this whole routine seems to be getting a bit stale. I’m beginning to legitimately hate you.
Jesus: Wow. You know, you’re actually affecting me here, on an emotional level. For real. You’re right — I say some stupid things, and I’m cruel to you, and I need to grow up. I need to be the Jesus that we’ve been waiting for. I need to be a better human.
Judas: Really?
Jesus: No! Fuck you! Let’s go buy things at Walmart using your credit card and then stop in a bunch of small businesses on the way home and *gloat*.
October 2010
2 posts
The Long Con.
Jesus: Get moving, Judas, we gotta go sign autographs.
Judas: I don't think that's a very messiah-y thing to do, Jesus.
Jesus: Oh, don't worry, I'm not signing *my* name.
Judas: Please don't tell me what you're doing. I don't want to know. Just leave.
Jesus: Fine. Except no, I have to tell you, because it's awesome. I figured out that I can forge celebrities's signatures on documents saying that they attacked me in the street, and then I can go up to the celebrity and threaten to release the documents unless they give me money!
Judas: So when you say "we gotta go sign autographs", you mean "I want to indulge in some fraud and extortion."
Jesus: Sure, if you want to get all technical about it.
Judas: Oh, believe me, there is nothing technical about any part of what you're doing. Which celebrities are you targeting?
Jesus: This Pilate guy seems pretty popular.
Judas: That's gonna come back to bite you in the ass.
Jesus: Pff.
Bible tales.
Jesus: Hey man, I have a question about David and Goliath.
Judas: Shoot.
Jesus: Okay, well, how come the little guy-
Judas: Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't let me finish. I meant to say "shoot me". As in, "shoot me so that I don't have to answer whatever stupid question you currently have rattling around in your brain, you imbecile."
Jesus: ...I don't have a gun.
Judas: I'm actually surprised, and heartened, by that fact.
Jesus: Well, the cops confiscated it, so... Anyway. David and Goliath. How come the little guy won?
Judas: I guess the easiest answer is to say that he didn't. Neither of them won. Because they didn't exist.
Jesus: That answer's no fun.
Judas: Oh, of course, I apologize. After all, the story of David and Goliath is all *about* fun.
July 2010
1 post
Hair booms.
Judas: So, uh, this oil spill.
Jesus: Oh, yeah, I heard about that.
Judas: Are you going to do anything to help?
Jesus: Well, I'm just not sure there's anything I *can* do.
Judas: Are you kidding? You have magical powers. You are the Son of God. There has to be something.
Jesus: Yeah, totally, I just... I feel a little hamstrung by my position on the board.
Judas: This is going to be a terrible thing, isn't it?
Jesus: I have a few hundred shares in BP.
Judas: This, see *this*, is why I take migraine medication.
Jesus: What, I'm not allowed to make some money?
Judas: I'm not certain that British Petroleum is exactly raking in the dough right now, buddy.
Jesus: Well, right. That's why I also have shares in Shell. And ExxonMobil. And Dubai.
Judas: Dubai?
Jesus: Like, the country.
Judas: So you sit on the boards of all those companies?
Jesus: Yeah, sure.
Judas: Isn't that illegal?
Jesus: No, don't worry -- I had a word with Timothy Geithner and he worked it all out.
Judas: Do you even know who that is?
Jesus: Yes. I am pretty sure Timothy Geithner is Batman.
Judas: You're an idiot.
Jesus: ...I hope Batman's not gonna be pissed that I revealed his secret identity.
April 2010
1 post
Roman Holiday.
Jesus: Have you ever been to France?
Judas: No, I've been too busy babysitting recently.
Jesus: Oh, you've been looking after a child?
Judas: Of sorts, yes.
Jesus: You haven't been babysitting forever, though.
Judas: You're right. I used to be so free...
Jesus: So how come you never went to France? Is it because the Eiffel Tower is so scary?
Judas: Nobody's scared of the Eiffel Tower, Jesus. Nobody would ever be scared of the Eiffel Tower.
Jesus: That's not true; what if an evil wizard brought the tower to life and it lurched down the promenade, eating tourists with its huge iron mouth, and shitting them out all over the Arc de Triomphe?
Judas: ...Seems like an edge case, Jesus.
Jesus: I kind of had a bad dream.
Judas: I could tell. Would you like some hot milk?
Jesus: With vodka, like Mom used to make?
Judas: Wait, your mother used to give you vodka? God, this explains so muc--
Jesus: APRIL FOOLS!
Judas: Oh, okay. I mean for a second there I was worrie--
Judas: It was gin.
February 2010
3 posts
Grr. Argh.
Jesus: You've never met Frankenstein, right?
Judas: The fictional character?
Jesus: Uh-huh.
Judas: No. No, I have not met Frankenstein.
Jesus: Oh, okay then.
Judas: ...
Jesus: ...
Judas: Alright, I'll bite: why do you want to know if I've ever met Frankenstein?
Jesus: I'm just wondering -- do you think that guy has bad breath? Like, forever?
Judas: I think halitosis is the least of his worries, Jesus.
Jesus: Right, with the villagers and the ice floe and shit. I know. But, like, I bet even if he brushed his teeth, it would just smell bad again real soon because he's decomposing.
Judas: I think your problem lies with three assumptions you're making. 1) That Frankenstein *has* teeth. 2) That he gives even a second's thought to his personal hygiene. And 3) That I care in any way about what you're saying.
Jesus: You're mean today.
Judas: Maybe that's because someone has made me watch 'Frankenstein' over and over for a week straight.
Jesus: Hey, you're free to leave at any time, buddy.
Judas: Then why do you have me tied to a chair?
Jesus: Do you think those bolts in his neck *hurt*?
MacArthur.
Judas: ...we are not having this conversation.
Jesus: Well, that's empirically untrue.
Judas: I should never have taught you that word.
Jesus: Look, *I* did the IQ test, I don't see why you can't too.
Judas: Because you'll have rigged it or something, and I'll come out with a lower score than Sarah Palin.
Jesus: Yeah, that reference isn't going to age badly at *all.*
Judas: I'll end up with some crazy low score, and you'll spend the rest of the day crowing about it. I'm not an idiot, Jesus.
Jesus: Then prove it. Take the test.
Judas: What do you think this is, 'Back to the Future'? You can't get me to do something by implying I'm a coward.
Jesus: Okay, first off -- I hate 'Back to the Future.' I always feel so bad for that Biff dude.
Judas: Obviously...
Jesus: And second -- I haven't done anything to the test. I swear to Dad.
Judas: Yeah, we get it, you're the Son of God.
Jesus: Please just take the test?
Judas: Ugh, fine. What's the first question?
Jesus: Okay, um... "Square is to pig, as rocketship is to [blank]."
Judas: ...Are you kidding?
Jesus: That's the question, I promise. Take a look!
Judas: Yeah, this isn't an IQ test. It's Peter's college dissertation on the Dada movement.
Jesus: ...Punchline!
Ba-dum-tish.
Judas: Can I ask you something about this Tim Tebow Superbowl anti-abortion ad?
Jesus: Absolutely not. I don't talk about religion or politics, people get too riled up.
Judas: First, it's amazing to me that a woman's right to have control over her body is considered a matter of either, but... isn't it kind of your job to talk about religion?
Jesus: Look, all I'll say is render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's.
Judas: That totally doesn't apply to this situation.
Jesus: Judas, what if I had been aborted? You ever think to ask yourself that?
Judas: Good point. Alternatively, what if Hitler had been aborted?
Jesus: YES! I WIN!
Judas: What? No you don't. I was refuting your argument in a simple wa-
Jesus: You mentioned Hitler first. Godwin's law says I win.
Judas: No, I win, because you mentioned Godwin's law, and Edison's corollary states that the first person to do *that* automatically loses the debate on the grounds that they're clearly such an asshole that they feel the need to de-legitimize the other person's argument purely on the basis that it involves a reference to Hitler.
Jesus: Who's "Edison"?
Judas: Hell if I know. Probably some nerd.
January 2010
3 posts
The spirit of... something.
Judas: Jesus, did you use my credit card to buy a copy of "The Anarchist Cookbook"?
Jesus: Does anyone ever really "do" anything?
Judas: And did you also attempt to have Exxon-Mobil deliver a shipment of gasoline drums to my apartment?
Jesus: Maybe.
Judas: So, can I assume it was also you who stole my checkbook and used it to purchase toiletries while writing "for bombs" in the memo field?
Jesus: Eh.
Judas: What the hell are you doing, man, trying to get me sent to Guantanamo Bay?
Jesus: Oh, great, now you've gone and ruined your birthday surprise.
Judas: This is an awful thing to do to someone. What do you have to say for yourself?
Jesus: ...
Judas: Well?
Jesus: Shh. I'm trying to work out how to include the phrase "walking on water-boarding" in my answer.
Judas: Get out.
Jesus: This is *my* house.
Judas: No it isn't.
Jesus: Psych!
Judas: That's not what that means.
1 tag
Fanboy.
Jesus: Are you excited for the Apple tablet?
Judas: Well, it doesn't technically exist yet, so no.
Jesus: Like that's a reason to not be excited about something? There are plenty of things that might not exist, but that people still love.
Judas: Yeah, like what?
Jesus: Ahem.
Judas: Oh, right. It'll probably be easier to love the tablet, though, since it won't be turning people into pillars of salt or anything.
Jesus: Man, looks like someone hasn't read the latest Engadget rumors.
Funny Games
Jesus: Hey, man. I fucked up.
Judas: Can you get me a shot of adrenaline? Because my heart just stopped. From shock.
Jesus: I'm not kidding. I need your help. I did something really bad.
Judas: Okay, what did you do?
Jesus: Judas, are you familiar with voodoo?
Judas: No, stop it. Don't want to hear where this is going. You're a terrible person.
Jesus: Look, I was just trying to be post-modern! And meta!
Judas: Who taught you those words?
Jesus: And what could be more post-modern that making a voodoo doll of Haiti? Right?
Judas: It is astounding that you are the one person in the entirety of human history who definitely won't go to hell.
Jesus: Do you get it? Because Haiti is where voodoo *comes from.*
Judas: Yeah, I get it. You know what you should get? Your cell phone, so you can donate ten bucks by texting HAITI to 90999.
Jesus: You know who else is being hate-y?
Judas: YES. YOU.
December 2009
1 post
Kegger.
Jesus: Hey, Judas! We're building an ark!
Judas: Oh no, is there gonna be another flood? Should I get two of every animal?
Jesus: No, no, not at all. I just want a clubhouse.
Judas: Shaped... shaped like an ark?
Jesus: Well, we still had the plans lying around, so...
Judas: So you're just going to build an ark here in the desert. Of course.
Jesus: Peter says if we get it up soon, we can host his brother's frat's party. Maybe get a beer-pong tournament going.
Judas: Are you sure you wouldn't rather do some good works, instead?
Jesus: Dude. What crazy, fucked-up world do you live in where hosting a beer-pong tournament is not a good work?
November 2009
64 posts
1 tag
Diversity day.
Jesus: What's your favorite planet?
Judas: Probably Saturn. The rings, you know? They're so beautiful.
Jesus: Yeah, that's a pretty good choice, but you're wrong.
Judas: How can I be wrong? It's a subjective opinion.
Jesus: Lots of people have opinions that are wrong. Some people are of the *opinion* that black people are an inferior race. That's wrong, becau-
Judas: Wow, you're being surprisingly level-headed today. Are you on new medication?
Jesus: Let me finish? They're wrong, because the inferior races are the Latinos, Gypsies, Asians and the French.
Judas: ...
Jesus: Also, your favorite planet is Mars. Mars.
Judas: Why?
Jesus: BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRENCH. JEEZ.
Spelled Leviticus right first try. Hell YEAH...
Jesus: Hey Judas, I'm going to cast some stones, want to come?
Judas: No, you can't cast stones, Jesus.
Jesus: I knew you'd say that. I knew it. But I'm totally allowed. I checked.
Judas: With who?
Jesus: With *me*, dude. Remember when I was all "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" and all that?
Judas: This was after you took the mushrooms and got confused about that "people in glass houses" saying, right?
Jesus: Whatever. Anyway, I totally said the without-sin part, and I checked with Peter and *apparently* I'm without sin. The whole "Son of God" thing.
Judas: So you're going stone casting.
Jesus: You bet.
Judas: Okay, except you're *not* without sin. You're the most sinful person I know.
Jesus: Give me one example of me sinning. Just one.
Judas: How about yesterday, when you ran up to Mary Magdalene and tried to give her twenty "Jesus dollars" for a look at her tits? I'm pretty sure that's lust.
Jesus: ...Give me another example.
Judas: Who are you planning on stoning, anyway?
Jesus: Oh! Some chick tried to drive a car without her husband's permission, so we're pretty much gonna kill her with rocks.
Judas: I don't think that's a rule, Jesus.
Jesus: Yep -- it's in Leviticus. Everything's in Leviticus.
Judas: I don't think so.
Jesus: Arguing with me is in Leviticus.
If the only thing you eat is poisonous to you,...
Judas: Aw, man. This article says koala bears are going to go extinct, and human beings are to blame.
Jesus: Well, technically, only *Australian* human beings are to blame.
Judas: ...
Jesus: Are you just not saying anything so you don't piss off any Australians, even though I'm right?
Judas: No, I'm not saying anything because I haven't seen you in weeks.
Jesus: Man, we're so meta...
Judas: I mean, I left town to get away from you, Jesus. What the hell are you doing breaking into my house?
Jesus: It's good to be back.
Judas: You're not "back". You're trespassing. Please leave.
Jesus: Do you think our relationship could be classified as a "bromance"?
Judas: I am calling the police. Right now.
Jesus: You're no fun.
Judas: Bromance is a stupid word. And I hope you get stabbed in jail.
1 tag
If not for my American audience, I would have used...
Jesus: Boy, do I have the product for you!
Judas: You're selling things now?
Jesus: Ha ha ha, but you'll be laughing on the other side of your face when you buy some of my wonderful pills and/or tonics!
Judas: I'm not laughing on *any* side of my face. I'm sad. I'm sad because you're here.
Jesus: Judas, it seems to me that you're a little down in the dumps lately. You could use a pick-me-up.
Judas: Have you noticed that I'm only ever in need of said pick-me-ups when I'm in your presence?
Jesus: Judas, what would you say is the healthiest thing on the planet?
Judas: Clean living and exercise?
Jesus: That's right -- snakes. But you don't want to expend precious energy chewing on snakes, do you?
Judas: Energy concerns are very low on my list of reasons to not eat snakes, Jesus.
Jesus: But they make the list, yes?
Judas: You realize that there's no actual list, right? I'm just humoring you for as long as it takes me to figure out how to leave without you noticing.
Jesus: So what you could do with, friend --
Judas: -- Not your friend. --
Jesus: -- Is someone to extract the healthy, life-giving oil from these snakes, and supply it to you for a small fee.
Judas: Jesus, do you remember when we were talking about possible jobs you could do?
Jesus: I vaguely recall, yes.
Judas: And I said "what about sales?" and you said "what, go cave to cave selling crap?" and I said "well, there's no need to become a snake-oil merchant" and --
Jesus: -- Wait. There's a chance I didn't hear that last part.
Judas: I'm starting to get that impression, yeah.
Jesus: Okay, so let me ask you this: is there any kind of job that lets you make a lot of money whilst disposing of a lot of snakes that you may have hastily bought for a failed business venture?
Judas: ...How many snakes?
Jesus: Fourteen-hundred.
Judas: No.
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Judas: It's not my birthday.
Jesus: I GOT YOU SNAKES.
1 tag
Product placement.
Judas: Oh, awesome! Joe Schmitt sent me an invite to Google Wave!
Jesus: Yeah? Well I hope you're prepared to "wave" goodbye to all your friends.
Judas: I sure will, right after I'm done contributing to this Wave about how much you suck.
Jesus: Okay, I don't know what you just said, but -- as a proud Native American -- I am *offended*.
Judas: Whatever, Chief Dances-With-Wolves-And-Then-Borrows-Five-Bucks-From-Them-And-Never-Pays-Them-Back, I don't need you anymore. I have my new life with Google Wave.
Jesus: Okay, so you're probably gonna have to explain to me what Google Wave is.
Judas: I... hm. Right, well... email is... Listen...
Jesus: Do you even know?
Judas: Sure, sure, one second. Okay, when two people are very much in love, they have what we call a "special cuddle."
Jesus: Uh-huh.
Judas: Wait, you're buying this? Did you never get "the talk"?
Jesus: What talk?
Judas: Oh, this explains *so much*.
Jesus: What talk, Judas?
Judas: The sex talk. You know, the birds and bees and stuff.
Jesus: Oh, yeah, I remember hearing about that. I think I was busy.
Judas: Busy?
Jesus: Yeah. I was fucking your mom.
Judas: You make my head hurt.
Jesus: Not as much as Google Wave will.
1 tag
Graft.
Jesus: Can you fill in for me at work tomorrow?
Judas: You don't... you don't do any work.
Jesus: Right, but I'm gonna be out of town, so I need someone to cover my shift.
Judas: Are you even listening? You don't have a job. You don't have shifts. You are shiftless.
Jesus: It'll just be a few hours -- I've talked to my supervisor and he's okay with it. You know how to drive a forklift, right?
Judas: I have watched you spend the past eight days in a row switching between CourtTV and CBS in order to watch as many episodes of Judge Judy as possible. You do not have a job.
Jesus: Look, if you're too lazy to do me a favor and work for a couple of hours in your life, that's fine. I guess I'll miss my doctor's appointment.
Judas: How does this end? With me turning up to some middle-of-nowhere factory that you direct me to and trying to drive a forklift without a license or a permit, just to prove to you that I'm not lazy?
Jesus: That's pretty much how I envisioned it.
Judas: Pretty good plan. Do you have a map?
1 tag
New media.
Jesus: Hey man, I poked you on facebook.
Judas: Uh, yeah. I saw that. So?
Jesus: So it's kind of polite to poke back, dude.
Judas: Eh, I don't really go in for that sort of thing.
Jesus: What do you mean "that sort of thing"?
Judas: I don't tend to use my facebook account much--
Jesus: OH, I SEE. You're too good for facebook now? What, you're all high-and-mighty, and feeding the poor and shit and you've got no time to log on to a little website and maybe poke a few friends, write on some walls? Tag a photo or two? It's people like you who make me sick. I mean, if you're so down on the whole thing then why did you even sign up for an account, asshole? Why even sign up?
Judas: Because you made me. Yesterday.
Jesus: ...huh?
Judas: You sat me down at the computer and made me sign up for an account. You said if I didn't that you would give me "cancerAIDS" and send me to hell. And then when I made my account you tried to sign in and write on my wall, but when it asked you for your password you threw the keyboard at my head because you couldn't remember how to spell "QWERTY."
Jesus: It's a hard word. I couldn't even find it in the dictionary.
Judas: Yes, because you were looking under 'N'. And then you threw the dictionary at my head also.
Jesus: How come I don't remember any of this stuff?
Judas: Because you saw the dictionary had made me bleed, and you yelled "I shall use my magic to save you!" and got up from the chair so fast that the blood rushed out of your head and you fell and wouldn't wake up.
Jesus: Wow. Am I gonna be okay?
Judas: Well, the doctor asked you how many fingers she was holding up, and you grabbed her ass and made some horrible statements about "disqualifying her for virgin birth", so we think you're gonna be fine.
1 tag
Chores.
Judas: Hey, it's your turn to do the washing up.
Jesus: How about "no"?
Judas: Why not?
Jesus: Because I'm JESUS.
Judas: I see. And that means you're allowed to skip out on chores, does it?
Jesus: Well, seeing as I'm going to be nailed to a cross for your sins, yes. Yes it does mean that.
Judas: Yeah, how's that going, by the way? Because I noticed in your diary that you were meant to hang out in Gethsemane today and have a chat with some Roman guards, but instead you've sat here playing Mario Kart all afternoon.
Jesus: Fuckin' blue shells.
Judas: Yes, we all hate the blue shells.
Jesus: Wait -- you've been reading my diary? How could you!?
Judas: Well, it did seem like an invasion of your privacy. At first. But then you kept leaving it around, and making a big show of writing in it, and picking it up and saying "Oh, I nearly forgot to take my diary. I wouldn't want anyone to read my diary. I have so many personal secrets."
Jesus: Well, I do.
Judas: Your biggest secret appears to be that you think writing an extremely boring diary will get you some attention. And also that you pick your nose and eat the boogers sometimes.
Jesus: It's nutritious.
Judas: Well, I'm glad you're getting those nutrients, since you'll need lots of energy to *do the damn dishes*.
Jesus: I'll get some angels to do it.
Judas: Great. Because I really want to spend my Saturday cleaning up feathers and amyl nitrate.
1 tag
Hurtling toward the present.
Jesus: Are you any good at crosswords?
Judas: Um, I don't know. I'm okay, I guess. Is there a clue you need help with?
Jesus: "Definite article", three letters.
Judas: Um... "the"?
Jesus: Oh, you're right! Thanks!
Judas: Yeah. Sure. No problem.
Jesus: Oh, here's another one. "Most common word", three letters.
Judas: Um...
Jesus: Begins with 't'.
Judas: Is it "the", again?
Jesus: Oh, so it is! Thank you!
Judas: It really is no big deal.
Jesus: Okay, last clue: "anagram of teh, hte, eht, eth and het."
Judas: Let me guess, three letters?
Jesus: Yes! How did you know?
Judas: Really?
Jesus: What?
Judas: Look, let me see this crossword.
Jesus: Sure, here you go.
Judas: Right... you understand that this is a Sudoku puzzle, right?
Jesus: Yeah, that's Japanese for "crossword".
Judas: It really isn't.
Jesus: I think you might be wrong on this one.
Judas: Really? Really, guy who couldn't remember the word "the"?
1 tag
Nostalgia.
Judas: The guys and I are of the opinion that you should maybe watch a little less TV.
Jesus: I don't see why the amount of television I choose to watch should be an issue, Judas.
Judas: Well, in itself it isn't a problem--
Jesus: Great! The matter is solved.
Judas: --But the Mr. T costume *is*, Jesus. It's a *huge* problem.
Jesus: I don't... I don't know what you're talking about.
Judas: Another problem is this habit you've picked up of ending all your sermons with "I pity the fool!"
Jesus: Hey! That's not true!
Judas: It isn't?
Jesus: No... sometimes I say "foo'". With an apostrophe.
Judas: Anyway, we just think you should dial it back. Watch fewer shows.
Jesus: Is this because that "Which A-Team character are you?" quiz I made you take said you were Amy?
Judas: Can't you see you're not well, Jesus?
Jesus: I ain't gettin' on no plane, Hannibal!
1 tag
CGI thousands of years ahead of its time.
Jesus: Man, why did we have to watch Jurassic Park? That shit is *scary*.
Judas: Sorry, I didn't realize it'd give you the frightners that bad.
Jesus: It's okay. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that dinosaurs don't exist.
Judas: Right...
Jesus: Do you want to say something?
Judas: I just... I want to make sure that you know that dinosaurs *did* exist, right? They're just not around *anymore*.
Jesus: Ha, that's rich! Alright mister smarty-pants, where did they go?
Judas: Well... they died. They're all fossils now.
Jesus: Fossils... fossils... oh, you mean all those fake bones I made with plaster of paris when I was bored a few years ago?
Judas: This is a joke, right? You're not actually admitting that the presence of dinosaur bones all over the world is just an elaborate prank on your part?
Jesus: Would you say I'm *a* gifted sculptor, or *the most* gifted sculptor? And what's this nonsense about a 'prank'? Those bones are a test, man.
Judas: Is this the point at which I ask if I've passed the test?
Jesus: I don't think we need to ask that question, do we Judas?
Judas: No. No, of course not. Although in my defense -- the test was heavily weighted against me and every other rational-thinking person in the world.
Jesus: And we wouldn't have it any other way.
Judas: Actually, *I* would have it another way.
Jesus: Yep. We wouldn't have it any. Other. Way.
1 tag
We should not have let Jesus watch Arrested...
Jesus: Hey, I know you're new and stuff, but I need a favor.
Judas: Anything for you, Jesus!
Jesus: Man, you must be *really* new. Anyway, I need you to go to the desert for me.
Judas: Sure thing! What do you want me to do while I'm there?
Jesus: Oh, nothing much... just hang around for forty days or so.
Judas: Forty days!? That's a pretty long time... Can I come back at night?
Jesus: Oh, right, sorry -- no, it's forty days AND forty nights.
Judas: What will I *eat*?
Jesus: That's the best part -- nothing!
Judas: So... so why do I have to do this, again?
Jesus: Oh, well, I'm supposed to go there and get tempted by the Devil--
Judas: THE DEVIL!?
Jesus: --Yes, that's what I said. Anyway, I totally wouldn't be able to resist, so I need you to fill in for me.
Judas: Wait, won't the Devil be able to tell that I'm not you?
Jesus: Yeah, I thought about that. Just tell him that you magically changed your appearance to hide from the cops after that Gethsemane thing. He'll know what you're talking about.
Judas: Okay... well... I guess if you need me to do this for you...
Jesus: That's my man! Hey, you're gonna want to take a big stick to beat away the vultures that will constantly be trying to rip the flesh from your bones. They're *nasty*.
Judas: Oh. Do you have a stick I can borrow?
Jesus: Yeah, like the guy in the three-thousand dollar linen robe is gonna give a stick to a guy who's not even gonna eat for a month and a half(!) C'mon!
1 tag
Back to school.
Jesus: Man, I can't believe that the first day of school came around so quick.
Judas: Quick*ly*. And yes, it is hard to believe. Especially since you don't go to school.
Jesus: Right, right. The thing is, I read about these guys called... the Taliban, I think?
Judas: You *read*?
Jesus: Fine. They were on the news the other day.
Judas: Why were you watching the news?
Jesus: Because I broke the remote control by putting it in the micro-wave and so I couldn't change the channel.
Judas: Why would you put the remote control in the microwave?
Jesus: Why *wouldn't* I?
Judas: ...
Jesus: Anyway, so these Taliban guys apparently like to go to local schools and throw acid in the faces of any girls trying to go to class.
Judas: So you're going to go down there and use your holy powers to stop them?
Jesus: No -- better. I'm going to go down there and join in, but after I throw the acid and the girl is all "ah, ah, my face, my face!" she realizes that it's *not* hurting, because I've only thrown *water*, and we all have a big laugh at my hilarious prank.
Judas: Am I a bad person for not caring so long as it gets you out of the house?
Jesus: Maybe I'll put a *little* bit of acid in the water. To make it convincing. Plus I've got all this acid laying around just taking up space.
Judas: Plus, you hate women.
Jesus: Oh, right! And the gays.
Judas: Yes. And the gays.
1 tag
Atrocity.
Jesus: Hey, pull my finger.
Judas: Gross, no way.
Jesus: C'mon, please? Please please please please please?
Judas: Fine.
Jesus: ...
Judas: Why are you not farting?
Jesus: Because that's not what I was doing.
Judas: This is going to be horrible, isn't it?
Jesus: So I was playing with my omnipotence earlier...
Judas: Oh man, this is going to be awful. This is going to be one of those truly awful things you do, like poisoning children, or that time you kicked a leper, isn't it?
Jesus: I told you -- he looked at me funny. Anyway, I was playing with my omnipotence, and I decided to hook up my body parts to the planet's ecosystem.
Judas: ???
Jesus: Long story short -- you just cause a tsunami in Asia.
Judas: Oh God.
Jesus: A *lot* of people died. Like, a lot.
Judas: Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God...
Jesus: Yeah, so you're pretty much a murderer now.
Judas: I didn't mean it I didn't know I would never do such a...
Jesus: Yep. Maybe now you won't be too high and mighty to make me a sandwich?
Judas: This is tearing my mind apart. You are tearing. My mind. Apart.
Jesus: Boy, I sure am hungry for a sandwich.
Judas: I am going to need therapy. You have to bring those people back to life, Jesus.
Jesus: Uh-huh. I am just *starving*.
1 tag
4 8 15 16 23 42
Judas: Where's my 'Lost' DVD?
Jesus: I don't know what you're talking about.
Judas: Yes you do. You borrowed it last week. I'd like it back, please.
Jesus: Oh, right -- *that* 'Lost' DVD. Well, something very ironic has happened to it...
Judas: Well, you better go and buy me a new one, then. And I won't be lending you any DVDs in the future.
Jesus: C'mon man. You know I can't afford to replace it.
Judas: I don't care. You should have thought about that before -- wait, what exactly happened to it?
Jesus: Like I said -- something very ironic.
Judas: I see... You lost it, then?
Jesus: Ha, ha! Yes! How funny is that?
Judas: Not at all. It is not at all funny. And that's not irony, either. That's you being a prick.
Jesus: Very ironically, though.
1 tag
I'm sure he'll just heal himself.
Judas: You're gonna have to move, probably.
Jesus: No, I figure I have about another three minutes before the range heats up.
Judas: Why would you even risk that?
Jesus: What the hell else am I meant to do with my days, man?
Judas: You're right. Jeez -- if only you'd been put on this Earth for some sort of purpose.
Jesus: Yeah.
Judas: A *really specific*, written-in-stone purpose.
Jesus: Yeah, I know. That would be great.
Judas: Are you honestly that oblivious?
Jesus: Well, I'm currently getting third degree burns because I'm sat on top of a stove that got hot a lot quicker than I expected, so you tell me.
Judas: I just think that instead of staying inside all day and doing your Johnny Knoxville routine for an audience of none, you could go out and maybe preach the good news.
Jesus: What good news? Did we win the lottery?
Judas: Well, if by "we" you mean "humanity", then... yes. We won the *spiritual* lottery.
Jesus: Does the spiritual lottery have any *actual* cash prizes?
Judas: Not so much, no.
Jesus: Okay. Well, you're gonna have to spend the rest of the afternoon inventing a new unit of measurement that goes small enough to illustrate just how much I don't care about any lottery that doesn't pay out.
Judas: How about Jesus-is-a-jerk-imeters?
Jesus: That works. Wait -- why do I feel like I'm being made fun of?
1 tag
PETA actually stands for "people who could be...
Jesus: Dude, how many times can you get convicted of arson before you go to jail?
Judas: I... once, Jesus. Just the once.
Jesus: Really? Man, they're really cracking down on that, huh?
Judas: On people setting fire to things? Yep. Cracking down on that pretty hard, Jesus.
Jesus: Okay, well. No biggie.
Judas: This wouldn't be at all related to the fact that you stink of gasoline, right?
Jesus: Of course not.
Judas: And the fact that your clothes are scorched?
Jesus: Not at all.
Judas: So maybe you could tell me why half of your beard appears to have been burnt off?
Jesus: You know, thinking about it, I probably didn't even commit arson. I mean, it's only "arson" if you set fire to a building, yeah?
Judas: What else would a person set fire to?
Jesus: I don't know... like, a grizzly bear, or something. A grizzly bear. Or something. That wouldn't be arson, right?
Judas: No, no. That would be murder.
Jesus: Riiiiiight.
Judas: Wait, where the hell did you find a grizzly bear to set fire to?
Jesus: Hypothetically.
Judas: ...Hypothetically.
Jesus: Oh, they have 'em down at the zoo. They sleep a lot, though -- it's kind of boring. And it's really hard to wake them up, I mean I had to set them on-
Judas: -fire?
Jesus: ...No?
Judas: You know, I'd continue this conversation, but I think I'd become an accessory to the crime.
Jesus: I feel like you end a lot of our chats that way.
Judas: Do you think there's anything you could do to remedy that?
Jesus: Um... set fire to something?
1 tag
No offence, if you're a guitar player. Actually --...
Jesus: Judas, what musical instrument do you think I should learn?
Judas: None of them.
Jesus: I think the guitar.
Judas: No. No. No.
Jesus: Yeah, definitely. I want to be that guy at parties who has the guitar, and entertains everyone.
Judas: You mean "no one". That guy entertains no one. Everybody *hates* that guy.
Jesus: Why? For giving the gift of music?
Judas: Well, usually for giving the 'gift' of *badly played* music, accompanied by an off-key singing voice. The only time you should ever bring a guitar out at a party is if someone says "hey, do you have anything we can light on fire?" and then you bring out the guitar and light. It. On. Fire.
Jesus: Man, why do you hate guitars so much?
Judas: Because my father left my mother for a guitar.
Jesus: Wow, I didn't know that.
Judas: Yes you did. I told you the second day we met. And we have this conversation every day. Usually a couple of times, until I'm crying.
Jesus: Judas, what musical instrument do you think I should learn?
1 tag
Apartie-dye.
Jesus: Ugh, look at that.
Judas: What?
Jesus: That drinking fountain. It's lower than the other one.
Judas: Well, yeah -- it's for shorter people. Like children, or those in wheelchairs. Maybe some dwarves, even.
Jesus: I think they prefer to be called midgets.
Judas: They really don't.
Jesus: Well, I'm going to anyway.
Judas: The dwarf community is shocked, I'm sure.
Jesus: Well I think it's disgusting that just because they're shorter they have to use a different fountain. I thought segregation was meant to be over in this country!
Judas: But the two fountains are of the same quality, same cleanliness... it's actually more convenient to have this 'discrimination' in place, Jesus.
Jesus: No. I won't stand for this. I'm cursing the fountains.
Judas: Don't curse the fountains.
Jesus: Why shouldn't I?
Judas: Because you've already cursed eight other objects today. People will start to think you're a witch.
Jesus: ...will I be allowed to play Quidditch?
Judas: No. Because that's not a real thing. You idiot.
Jesus: See, now I have to curse *you*.
1 tag
Who needs to part the Red Sea when you can just...
Jesus: When the stewardess comes past can you ask for some more peanuts?
Judas: No. I'm allergic to them.
Jesus: I know *that*, man. They're for me.
Judas: Still gonna say no.
Jesus: Aw, come on... Why not?
Judas: Because the last two times I got you more peanuts, you spent half an hour eating them, aggressively breathing onto my face, and then checking my pulse.
Jesus: The perfect crime.
Judas: Right. Except for the fact that the flight manifest would be a pretty good record that you're the last person to see me alive.
Jesus: The perfect crime.
Judas: And the fact that the stewardess would be a great witness, because I told her that I was getting the peanuts for you, and that you were trying to kill me.
Jesus: The perfect crime.
Judas: And also the fact that I'm not dead.
Jesus: The perfect... Yeah, I guess that one is kind of a flaw.
Judas: Exactly.
Jesus: Okay. Hey, when the stewardess comes past can you ask for some peanuts? And a gun?
1 tag
He also does not care for TLC's midget family.
Jesus: Hey, is there any way I can disown the Duggar family?
Judas: You mean the "18 kids and counting" freaks?
Jesus: Yep. Those dudes.
Judas: Sure thing! Wow... I'm actually really impressed that you'd want to do something like that.
Jesus: Well, y'know... I'm having to send them, like, 20 birthday gifts a year.
Judas: So.... this isn't down to some ideological difference you guys have?
Jesus: You've got to factor in Christmas, too.
Judas: But you have no problem with their belief system? The way they twist your words?
Jesus: What's there to twist? I said "be fruitful and multiply" and they freaking *did*. Like, a lot.
Judas: Right, but... you don't feel like it's a little irresponsible? What if all those kids end up on welfare?
Jesus: So what? The family pay taxes, right?
Judas: Actually, no. They had their house declared a church, so...
Jesus: See, that's what I like about the Duggars -- they're *crafty*.
Judas: If you like them so much, why disown them over the gift thing? Why not just declare Christmas and birthdays to be gift-free?
Jesus: Whoa! Whoa! Let's not go crazy, now. I enjoy *getting* gifts, just not *giving* them.
Judas: "Faith, hope and charity", huh?
Jesus: Shh. "18 Kids and Counting" is on.
1 tag
Sounds like Jesus's blood is *whine*.
Jesus: Man, you know what's the worst?
Judas: Spending any amount of time with you?
Jesus: Shut up. Having Christmas and your birthday be on the same day. It freaking *sucks*.
Judas: Are you... are you kidding?
Jesus: It would have been nice to have been born in, like, June or something. Spread out the presents through the year, you know?
Judas: Okay, but... You realize that wherever your birthday fell would have been Christmas, right?
Jesus: Huh?
Judas: I mean, it's a holiday to celebrate your birth, Jesus.
Jesus: Right, right. Yeah. No, yeah -- I knew that.
Judas: Really? Because it seems like you didn't.
Jesus: No, I just had it confused with the... thing with... um... yep.
Judas: On a scale of one to ten, how high are you right now?
Jesus: Yeah, I'm not sure we can do anything involving numbers right now, dude, but I'm pretty sure I can taste color.
1 tag
Health care.
Jesus: Man, this place smells like a dentist's waiting room.
Judas: Yeah. That's because it is one.
Jesus: Right, yeah. With the... the teeth.
Judas: Are you still high? We can't see the dentist if you're still high.
Jesus: I'm fine. Totally sober, so... so that's good.
Judas: Okay. Fine. So -- when you sit down in the chair and the dentist says "hello", what do you say back?
Jesus: "Fuck you, Jap?"
Judas: Wow. No. Not at all. He's... he's not even Asian.
Jesus: I say "hello, dentist".
Judas: Using his actual name would be better, but I guess we take what we can get, huh?
Jesus: Your Mom takes what she can get.
Judas: Yeah, I should have seen that one coming. Now, when the dentist asks how your teeth got so messed up, what do you say?
Jesus: "Not chewing rocks for a bet".
Judas: ...Or maybe you could tell him you got assaulted.
Jesus: ...
Judas: Because he absolutely would not suspect you of chewing rocks unless you, unprompted, *told* him you didn't.
Jesus: You're just jealous that I won fifty bucks.
Judas: Yeah, a somewhat pyrrhic victory, given that you messed up your teeth and will have to pay thousands of dollars in dentistry bills.
Jesus: What was that? Sorry, I was distracted thinking about how great it was of you to agree to pay for my thousands of dollars of dentistry bills.
Judas: Of *course* you were.
1 tag
Origin story.
Jesus: So what do you say, man? Wanna join up?
Judas: Definitely! You sound amazing, Jesus.
Jesus: Well, yeah. I am pretty amazing.
Judas: Uh... right.
Jesus: SO, you have to do an initiation. It's kind of complicated.
Judas: Whatever, Sir. If it means eternal life in heaven, I'll do it.
Jesus: Great. So I need you to go to Blockbuster video down the street.
Judas: No problem.
Jesus: And go select a copy of Men In Black 2.
Judas: Men in Black 2?
Jesus: Also known as MIIB, yes.
Judas: Um, okay.
Jesus: Then I want you to go up to the counter and say "hello Blockbuster employee. I would like to rent this copy of Men in Black 2."
Judas: Sounds fine.
Jesus: Not done. "Because my copy, which I bought the day it came out, has worn through from repeated viewing."
Judas: This is getting a little weird...
Jesus: Let me finish! "I have suffered from terrible anxiety since my copy of Men in Black 2 failed just three hellish hours ago, and I would consider you my personal hero if you could find it in your heart to rent me this cinematic classic today."
Judas: Is that it?
Jesus: Yep, that's all you have to do.
Judas: Okay. I mean... yeah, fine. Okay.
Jesus: Oh! And also you have to say "Jesus made me do it" and wink. Like, wink twice.
Judas: Just out of curiosity, did the other guys have to do this for their initiation?
Jesus: Well, no. I mean, it varies.
Judas: How much does it vary?
Jesus: Quite a lot. Usually we just get hammered in a strip club.
Judas: Why can't *I* get hammered in a strip club?
Jesus: Because you're a faggot.
Judas: No, I'm not a fa-
Jesus: Go rent the video, faggot.
1 tag
Aneurysm.
Jesus: I've been thinking about this "golden rule" thing.
Judas: Jesus, I *defy* you to have a problem with the Golden Rule.
Jesus: Look, hey, the whole "love God" part? No problem. I'm fine with that.
Judas: I can see where this is going.
Jesus: But "love thy neighbor"? That sounds a little gay.
Judas: Which would be fine, by the way. But it doesn't mean that. It just means treat your neighbor like family, y'know -- help 'em out, and stuff.
Jesus: Well that sounds like *socialism*.
Judas: Which one is worse?
Jesus: Huh?
Judas: Which do you think is worse -- homosexuality, or socialism?
Jesus: Well... I... um... ow. Ow. Ow.
Judas: Is your brain actually *hurting* from trying to decide this?
Jesus: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow ow.
Judas: Great, I broke Jesus.
Jesus: Owwie. Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow. Ow.
Judas: Or, considering how he usually acts, maybe I *fixed* Jesus.
1 tag
Dreaded continuity.
Jesus: Hey, it's my turn to play Nintendo Wii.
Judas: You don't have to say the whole name every time. And also, no.
Jesus: But it's my turn!
Judas: I think you relinquished your right to a turn when you decided that it was appropriate to keep breaking my TV when playing Wii Bowling.
Jesus: That was an accident!
Judas: You would throw a gutter-ball (*every* time), walk up to the television, *drop* your Wiimote, and then kick the screen until it broke.
Jesus: I move in mysterious ways.
Judas: No, *God* moves in mysterious ways. *You* move on a mobility scooter you stole from a crippled lady.
Jesus: Very mysteriously, though.
Judas: ...
Jesus: That's why the police haven't caught me.
1 tag
IT REALLY IS A GOOD BOOK, YOU GUYS.
Jesus: I've been reading "Frog And Toad Are Friends".
Judas: That's a good book.
Jesus: Meh, not enough gunfights.
Judas: Seriously?
Jesus: ...
Judas: Of course. Continue.
Jesus: Anyway, I was thinking how Frog and Toad are kind of like you and I.
Judas: Really?
Jesus: Yeah, because I'm wise and kind and awesome, like Frog...
Judas: I'm bracing, you realize this? I'm actually *bracing*.
Jesus: ...and *you* look like a toad.
Judas: That was very clever.
Jesus: Also? We're not friends.
Judas: Oh, really? I can't believe you won't be taking this friendship bracelet I made you(!)
Jesus: MINE!
Judas: There's... there's no bracelet, Jesus.
Jesus: I knew that. I'm wise. Like a frog.
Judas: Frogs really aren't known for being wise, Jesus.
Jesus: Oh yeah? What about 'Frogger'? That dude could drive a *car*.
Judas: Actually, 'Frogger' is pretty much defined by the frog's *inability* to drive a car.
Jesus: Meh, same difference.
Judas: No. Different difference.
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: Can I have that bracelet now?
JUDAS TRIES TO TAKE HIS OWN LIFE.
1 tag
ADA
Jesus: Check out my new scooter.
Judas: What the-? How did you afford this?
Jesus: Well, Judas, I recently found out that I qualify for the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Judas: *Despite* not being American?
Jesus: I was born in Hawaii. I have a certificate of live birth-
Judas: -Oh, Christ-
Jesus: -Which I'm more than happy to let you see. If you don't believe me, then you don't believe the President.
Judas: Fine. Whatever. So how are you qualifying for the "disabled" part of the act?
Jesus: Oh, well I only have one parent, so I figure I'm missing a whole bunch of chromosomes.
Judas: That's certainly... offensive. And a damn good explanation of your behavior in general, actually.
Jesus: I didn't hear any of that, Judas -- because I'm too retarded.
Judas: Lovely. You realize these scooters are for people who can't walk, right?
Jesus: Yeah, I took it off of some lady down at the clinic.
Judas: Did you at least heal her?
Jesus: DUR DUR DUR.
Judas: You are a terrible role model.
Jesus: DUR DUR DUR.
Judas: That's not how people with mental disabilities talk.
Jesus: You're discriminating against me. Racist.
Judas: We're the *same race*. And also that doesn't make sense.
1 tag
Judas is a Mac guy.
Jesus: I'm thinking about doing a TED talk.
Judas: Do you think they'd have you?
Jesus: I'm *Jesus Christ*, Judas. I would pwn TED.
Judas: Sorry -- you'd what?
Jesus: I'd... I'd pwn it. I'd raxxors their haxxors.
Judas: I don't know what's worse -- the fact that what you're saying is meaningless, or the fact that you're using lingo from *five years ago*.
Jesus: Please. You wish you were this 1337.
Judas: Is that what your TED talk would be about? How '1337' you are?
Jesus: No. Unless you think they'd go for that?
Judas: Did you have any other ideas?
Jesus: Bill Gates did that whole malaria talk. Maybe I could do something like him?
Judas: Well, it certainly is within your power to cure malari-
Jesus: No, no. I mean that I want to found Microsoft.
Judas: ...Even though you've already explicitly acknowledged the existence of Bill Gates?
Jesus: Would it help if I told you I had an idea for an operating system that runs programs in 'windows'?
Judas: No, that doesn't help. Because it already exists. It's called "Windows".
Jesus: Shh. You're talking so loud I can't hear my Zune.
Judas: You're not making sense. Am I dreaming this?
Jesus: Quick! Red bush passes left. Clock! Clock?
Judas: Great. He's in my dreams now.
1 tag
Jesus is allergic to dairy, but he doesn't learn.
Jesus: Hey man, can you take my dog out for a walk?
Judas: When the hell did you get a dog?
Jesus: A couple of months ago.
Judas: Yeah? What's his name?
Jesus: FINE. I found him in the street yesterday. What's the difference?
Judas: Well, the difference is between legally owning a dog, and potentially stealing someone's beloved pet.
Jesus: Dude, no one loved this thing. Some sick bastard had tied something around his *neck*.
Judas: You mean like a collar?
Jesus: NO, NOT LIKE A COLLA- Wait. What now?
Judas: Never mind. So you want me to walk him?
Jesus: Yeah, that'd be great. I tried yesterday, but lost him crossing Lake Galilee.
Judas: You... you walked across the water... with a dog?
Jesus: Yep.
Judas: You realize he's dead now, right?
Jesus: Figured. Are you mad?
Judas: Well, yes. Obviously. Killing animals isn't okay, Jesus!
Jesus: Especially dogs, right?
Judas: Well, I'm actually more of a cat person.
Jesus: PETER -- FIND ME A CAT!
Judas: BELAY THAT ORDER, PETER!
Jesus: I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUDAS JUST SAID BUT WHATEVER IT WAS DO THE OPPOSITE OF IT.
Judas: ...
Jesus: AND ALSO FETCH ME A FRO-YO.
1 tag
Pranks.
Jesus: You know, Judas, sometimes people say to me, "you're too rough on that guy".
Judas: And?
Jesus: 'And' what?
Judas: I assumed you had some kind of comeback or riposte or rationale.
Jesus: Nope, mostly I'm just happy that the message is getting out there.
Judas: *What* message?
Jesus: That I'm being mean to you.
Judas: *That's* our message? I've been going out and preaching about faith, hope and charity!
Jesus: Nope, what *you've* been doing is wandering around talking about a whole bunch of hippie bullshit whilst wearing a 'kick me' sign I've taped to your back.
Judas: You are unbelievable.
Jesus: I'm going to kick you now.