February 2011
5 posts
Games.
Jesus: So, quick question. This "heaven" thing -- are we in?
Judas: What are you-? Of *course* we're in! The whole point of me hanging out with you is so I can get in.
Jesus: Wait, you're not with me because I'm a good friend?
Judas: When have you ever been a good friend to me?
Jesus: Hey, are we playing the question game?
Judas: No.
Jesus: Ha-ha, you lose!
Judas: We weren't playing.
Jesus: That sounds just like what a loser would say.
Judas: Fine. Round two. Why are you naked right now?
Jesus: ...It's hot out.
Judas: Not a question, dude.
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: It's hot out?
Pharisees are jerks.
Judas: Will you please admit that you've gotten us lost?
Jesus: No! I know these corn fields like the back of my hand.
Judas: Well, there's something that's always gonna stay the same...
Jesus: Huh?
Pharisee: Jesus! Are you plucking ears of corn? On the *Sabbath*?
Jesus: What? No. I'm just hungry as shit.
Judas: Yeah, dude, I think it's okay for us to grab a snack. We're lost, can you help?
Pharisee: Oh, no... Oh, the "Lord" is working on the Sabbath! Oh! Oh..!
Jesus: What is *with* this dude?
Judas: Hey! C'mon man, stop moaning and wailing. Can you just point us in the direction of Galilee?
Jesus: Is he... is he whipping himself?
Judas: Yeah, this is all kinds of messed up.
Jesus: Where did he even come from?
Judas: He might have a point though, right? About the corn and the Sabbath and stuff?
Jesus: Oh, no, that's fine. The Sabbath isn't made for God, it's made for man.
Judas: That might be the wisest thing you've ever said.
Jesus: You gotta bear in mind that I'm super high.
Praise be!
Jesus: Guys! It's me! I'm back from the dead!
Peter: Praise be! It's a miracle!
Thaddeus: Oh wonder of wonders!
Judas: Are you shitting me?
Andrew: I think you should be a little more jubilant, Judas. Our Lord and savior just returned from the grave!
Judas: Oh, please, he wasn't dead -- he was drunk.
Jesus: Okay, if anyone in here is taking notes, for like a Gospel or something, just ignore what Judas is saying.
Judas: He got drunk on wine, which he *stole*, and had to sleep it off in some cave for a few days.
Jesus: What about my wounds, Judas? My sacred, special wounds?
Judas: What? You skinned your knee?
Thomas: Yeah, those don't look like particularly severe wounds, Lord.
Judas: Finally, someone on my side.
Thomas: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, JUDAS.
Spiritual path.
Jesus: Dude, you have to stop interrupting me when I'm preaching to the people.
Judas: But you keep getting everything wrong! Earlier you spent forty-five minutes discussing how God made Moses live in the belly of a whale!
Jesus: Screw you, I'm the expert on this shit. I practically wrote the damn Bible.
Judas: You don't know a thing. I bet you thirty pieces of silver you can't name the books of the Torah.
Jesus: Sure I can. Genesis. Exodus. New Moon. Eclipse... And... Genesis, again.
Judas: Frankly, I'm amazed you got the first two. Now pay up.
Jesus: To live the spiritual life, you must forsake money, Judas.
Judas: Give. Me. The thirty. Pieces. Of silver.
Jesus: I don't have it, and I wouldn't give it to you if I did.
Judas: I'm getting that money, asshole.
Jesus: Sure, over my dead body!
Wisdom.
Pharisee: So what happens if a woman marries a man, he dies, she marries his brother, he dies, she marries his other brother, he dies, and so on until she has married seven brothers and they have all perished? Who is she married to in Heaven?
Judas: Well, in Heaven, we'll all be like the angels.
Jesus: Judas, I can handle this.
Judas: Oh, um. Okay.
Jesus: Like Judas was saying, we'll be like the angels. All of us. Except Judas.
Judas: *sigh*
Jesus: But I gotta ask -- what's up with this chick marrying the brothers? Is she killing these dudes? Because it sure sounds like she's killing these dudes.
Pharisee: It's just an example, Jesus...
Jesus: We should form a posse, go stone this bitch.
Judas: I thought we were going to go easy on the stoning, Lord.
Jesus: That's "Lord Who Is God", Judas.
Judas: Don't make me say the whole thing, man.
Jesus: I'll stone you too. Don't think I won't.