Jesus:
Hey man, I have a question about David and Goliath.
Judas:
Shoot.
Jesus:
Okay, well, how come the little guy-
Judas:
Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't let me finish. I meant to say "shoot me". As in, "shoot me so that I don't have to answer whatever stupid question you currently have rattling around in your brain, you imbecile."
Jesus:
...I don't have a gun.
Judas:
I'm actually surprised, and heartened, by that fact.
Jesus:
Well, the cops confiscated it, so... Anyway. David and Goliath. How come the little guy won?
Judas:
I guess the easiest answer is to say that he didn't. Neither of them won. Because they didn't exist.
Jesus:
That answer's no fun.
Judas:
Oh, of course, I apologize. After all, the story of David and Goliath is all *about* fun.
Judas:
No, I've been too busy babysitting recently.
Jesus:
Oh, you've been looking after a child?
Judas:
Of sorts, yes.
Jesus:
You haven't been babysitting forever, though.
Judas:
You're right. I used to be so free...
Jesus:
So how come you never went to France? Is it because the Eiffel Tower is so scary?
Judas:
Nobody's scared of the Eiffel Tower, Jesus. Nobody would ever be scared of the Eiffel Tower.
Jesus:
That's not true; what if an evil wizard brought the tower to life and it lurched down the promenade, eating tourists with its huge iron mouth, and shitting them out all over the Arc de Triomphe?
Judas:
...Seems like an edge case, Jesus.
Jesus:
I kind of had a bad dream.
Judas:
I could tell. Would you like some hot milk?
Jesus:
With vodka, like Mom used to make?
Judas:
Wait, your mother used to give you vodka? God, this explains so muc--
Jesus:
APRIL FOOLS!
Judas:
Oh, okay. I mean for a second there I was worrie--
Judas:
Alright, I'll bite: why do you want to know if I've ever met Frankenstein?
Jesus:
I'm just wondering -- do you think that guy has bad breath? Like, forever?
Judas:
I think halitosis is the least of his worries, Jesus.
Jesus:
Right, with the villagers and the ice floe and shit. I know. But, like, I bet even if he brushed his teeth, it would just smell bad again real soon because he's decomposing.
Judas:
I think your problem lies with three assumptions you're making. 1) That Frankenstein *has* teeth. 2) That he gives even a second's thought to his personal hygiene. And 3) That I care in any way about what you're saying.
Jesus:
You're mean today.
Judas:
Maybe that's because someone has made me watch 'Frankenstein' over and over for a week straight.
Jesus:
Hey, you're free to leave at any time, buddy.
Judas:
Then why do you have me tied to a chair?
Jesus:
Do you think those bolts in his neck *hurt*?
Judas:
Can I ask you something about this Tim Tebow Superbowl anti-abortion ad?
Jesus:
Absolutely not. I don't talk about religion or politics, people get too riled up.
Judas:
First, it's amazing to me that a woman's right to have control over her body is considered a matter of either, but... isn't it kind of your job to talk about religion?
Jesus:
Look, all I'll say is render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's.
Judas:
That totally doesn't apply to this situation.
Jesus:
Judas, what if I had been aborted? You ever think to ask yourself that?
Judas:
Good point. Alternatively, what if Hitler had been aborted?
Jesus:
YES! I WIN!
Judas:
What? No you don't. I was refuting your argument in a simple wa-
Jesus:
You mentioned Hitler first. Godwin's law says I win.
Judas:
No, I win, because you mentioned Godwin's law, and Edison's corollary states that the first person to do *that* automatically loses the debate on the grounds that they're clearly such an asshole that they feel the need to de-legitimize the other person's argument purely on the basis that it involves a reference to Hitler.
