Jesus and Judas

This candy is my body.

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 17:04:21 -0400

Jesus: I need your perspective on Halloween.
Judas: You don't have your *own* thoughts?
Jesus: Sure I do. I mean, *obviously* I do. But I just want to check that the tide of opinion hasn't changed since I last broadcasted how I feel about the holiday. So I'm asking you.
Judas: You think I represent public opinon?
Jesus: Actually, I think the exact *opposite*.
Judas: You're- You're going to listen to whatever I say, and then claim that the values you hold are inverse?
Jesus: I don't know what that word means, but... Yep! Sounds right!
Judas: And this is all based on the premise that I'm not in tune with the zeitgeist?
Jesus: I don't know what that word means either, but, uh- Yeah, I think you're kind of out-of-touch.
Judas: That doesn't make sense. I'm pretty aligned with what the public think-
Jesus: Who do you think is the worst person alive?
Judas: You.
Jesus: And who has *billions of followers* all over the world?
Judas: ...I see your point.
Jesus: So, Halloween. Into it?
Judas: Sure, go nuts, let people do what they want.
Jesus: Cool. So Halloween sucks.
Judas: I agree with you there, too.
Jesus: Wait- What? What are you doing?
Judas: On the other hand, it's pretty great for kids...
Jesus: This is a trick. You're tricking me.
Judas: 'Tis the season, and all.
Jesus: Now I don't know *what* to do.
Judas: I'd avoid hiding your pumpkin candlelight under a bushel.

Games.

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 14:38:10 -0500

Jesus: So, quick question. This "heaven" thing -- are we in?
Judas: What are you-? Of *course* we're in! The whole point of me hanging out with you is so I can get in.
Jesus: Wait, you're not with me because I'm a good friend?
Judas: When have you ever been a good friend to me?
Jesus: Hey, are we playing the question game?
Judas: No.
Jesus: Ha-ha, you lose!
Judas: We weren't playing.
Jesus: That sounds just like what a loser would say.
Judas: Fine. Round two. Why are you naked right now?
Jesus: ...It's hot out.
Judas: Not a question, dude.
Jesus: ...
Judas: ...
Jesus: It's hot out?

Pharisees are jerks.

Sun, 20 Feb 2011 14:24:27 -0500

Judas: Will you please admit that you've gotten us lost?
Jesus: No! I know these corn fields like the back of my hand.
Judas: Well, there's something that's always gonna stay the same...
Jesus: Huh?
Pharisee: Jesus! Are you plucking ears of corn? On the *Sabbath*?
Jesus: What? No. I'm just hungry as shit.
Judas: Yeah, dude, I think it's okay for us to grab a snack. We're lost, can you help?
Pharisee: Oh, no... Oh, the "Lord" is working on the Sabbath! Oh! Oh..!
Jesus: What is *with* this dude?
Judas: Hey! C'mon man, stop moaning and wailing. Can you just point us in the direction of Galilee?
Jesus: Is he... is he whipping himself?
Judas: Yeah, this is all kinds of messed up.
Jesus: Where did he even come from?
Judas: He might have a point though, right? About the corn and the Sabbath and stuff?
Jesus: Oh, no, that's fine. The Sabbath isn't made for God, it's made for man.
Judas: That might be the wisest thing you've ever said.
Jesus: You gotta bear in mind that I'm super high.

Praise be!

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 17:10:27 -0500

Jesus: Guys! It's me! I'm back from the dead!
Peter: Praise be! It's a miracle!
Thaddeus: Oh wonder of wonders!
Judas: Are you shitting me?
Andrew: I think you should be a little more jubilant, Judas. Our Lord and savior just returned from the grave!
Judas: Oh, please, he wasn't dead -- he was drunk.
Jesus: Okay, if anyone in here is taking notes, for like a Gospel or something, just ignore what Judas is saying.
Judas: He got drunk on wine, which he *stole*, and had to sleep it off in some cave for a few days.
Jesus: What about my wounds, Judas? My sacred, special wounds?
Judas: What? You skinned your knee?
Thomas: Yeah, those don't look like particularly severe wounds, Lord.
Judas: Finally, someone on my side.
Thomas: THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, JUDAS.

Spiritual path.

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 12:26:59 -0500

Jesus: Dude, you have to stop interrupting me when I'm preaching to the people.
Judas: But you keep getting everything wrong! Earlier you spent forty-five minutes discussing how God made Moses live in the belly of a whale!
Jesus: Screw you, I'm the expert on this shit. I practically wrote the damn Bible.
Judas: You don't know a thing. I bet you thirty pieces of silver you can't name the books of the Torah.
Jesus: Sure I can. Genesis. Exodus. New Moon. Eclipse... And... Genesis, again.
Judas: Frankly, I'm amazed you got the first two. Now pay up.
Jesus: To live the spiritual life, you must forsake money, Judas.
Judas: Give. Me. The thirty. Pieces. Of silver.
Jesus: I don't have it, and I wouldn't give it to you if I did.
Judas: I'm getting that money, asshole.
Jesus: Sure, over my dead body!

Wisdom.

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 15:41:04 -0500

Pharisee: So what happens if a woman marries a man, he dies, she marries his brother, he dies, she marries his other brother, he dies, and so on until she has married seven brothers and they have all perished? Who is she married to in Heaven?
Judas: Well, in Heaven, we'll all be like the angels.
Jesus: Judas, I can handle this.
Judas: Oh, um. Okay.
Jesus: Like Judas was saying, we'll be like the angels. All of us. Except Judas.
Judas: *sigh*
Jesus: But I gotta ask -- what's up with this chick marrying the brothers? Is she killing these dudes? Because it sure sounds like she's killing these dudes.
Pharisee: It's just an example, Jesus...
Jesus: We should form a posse, go stone this bitch.
Judas: I thought we were going to go easy on the stoning, Lord.
Jesus: That's "Lord Who Is God", Judas.
Judas: Don't make me say the whole thing, man.
Jesus: I'll stone you too. Don't think I won't.

Seriousness.

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 11:58:31 -0500

Jesus: I guess sometimes I just get really sad. You know, because I'm going to die, and everything.
Judas: Well, Jesus, we're all going to die.
Jesus: Yeah, but my way is gonna kind of suck.
Judas: Wait... you know how you're gonna die?
Jesus: I told you about this before. Weren't you listening? With the cross, and the nails, and shit?
Judas: I thought you were just really high.
Jesus: I *was* really high, but I was also dropping some bombs. And the bombs were full of truth. They were *truth bombs*, Judas.
Judas: Don't ruin this moment, man.
Jesus: Dude, if I really wanted to ruin the moment, I'd tell you how *you* are going to kick it.
Judas: You know that, too?
Jesus: Big time. I pretty much know everything. Except, like, math and stuff.
Judas: And how to be a good person.
Jesus: Right.
Judas: ...
Jesus: ...You hang yourself.
Judas: You're an asshole.

Puck.

Wed, 10 Nov 2010 11:44:06 -0500

Jesus: All I'm saying is that it wouldn't kill you to stand on a desk and say "O Captain, My Captain" to me once in a while.

Community action.

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 12:30:40 -0400

Jesus: I’ve decided to start supporting local business.
Judas: Really? Because you could start by buying my memoi-
Jesus: Yep. Let’s go to Walmart.
Judas: Oh, you’ve actually made a very easy mistake. Walmart is actually a huge corporation, kind-of the opposite of “local business”. And when I say that you made a very easy mistake, I mean, of course, the exact opposite. You are a cretinous human being.
Jesus: What… what are you doing? That’s way too mean for you. Are you just going through the motions with this? Is that what’s happening?
Judas: I have to say, Jesus, that this whole routine seems to be getting a bit stale. I’m beginning to legitimately hate you.
Jesus: Wow. You know, you’re actually affecting me here, on an emotional level. For real. You’re right — I say some stupid things, and I’m cruel to you, and I need to grow up. I need to be the Jesus that we’ve been waiting for. I need to be a better human.
Judas: Really?
Jesus: No! Fuck you! Let’s go buy things at Walmart using your credit card and then stop in a bunch of small businesses on the way home and *gloat*.

The Long Con.

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 11:25:36 -0400

Jesus: Get moving, Judas, we gotta go sign autographs.
Judas: I don't think that's a very messiah-y thing to do, Jesus.
Jesus: Oh, don't worry, I'm not signing *my* name.
Judas: Please don't tell me what you're doing. I don't want to know. Just leave.
Jesus: Fine. Except no, I have to tell you, because it's awesome. I figured out that I can forge celebrities's signatures on documents saying that they attacked me in the street, and then I can go up to the celebrity and threaten to release the documents unless they give me money!
Judas: So when you say "we gotta go sign autographs", you mean "I want to indulge in some fraud and extortion."
Jesus: Sure, if you want to get all technical about it.
Judas: Oh, believe me, there is nothing technical about any part of what you're doing. Which celebrities are you targeting?
Jesus: This Pilate guy seems pretty popular.
Judas: That's gonna come back to bite you in the ass.
Jesus: Pff.

Bible tales.

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 18:24:21 -0400

Jesus: Hey man, I have a question about David and Goliath.
Judas: Shoot.
Jesus: Okay, well, how come the little guy-
Judas: Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't let me finish. I meant to say "shoot me". As in, "shoot me so that I don't have to answer whatever stupid question you currently have rattling around in your brain, you imbecile."
Jesus: ...I don't have a gun.
Judas: I'm actually surprised, and heartened, by that fact.
Jesus: Well, the cops confiscated it, so... Anyway. David and Goliath. How come the little guy won?
Judas: I guess the easiest answer is to say that he didn't. Neither of them won. Because they didn't exist.
Jesus: That answer's no fun.
Judas: Oh, of course, I apologize. After all, the story of David and Goliath is all *about* fun.

Hair booms.

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 14:42:00 -0400

Judas: So, uh, this oil spill.
Jesus: Oh, yeah, I heard about that.
Judas: Are you going to do anything to help?
Jesus: Well, I'm just not sure there's anything I *can* do.
Judas: Are you kidding? You have magical powers. You are the Son of God. There has to be something.
Jesus: Yeah, totally, I just... I feel a little hamstrung by my position on the board.
Judas: This is going to be a terrible thing, isn't it?
Jesus: I have a few hundred shares in BP.
Judas: This, see *this*, is why I take migraine medication.
Jesus: What, I'm not allowed to make some money?
Judas: I'm not certain that British Petroleum is exactly raking in the dough right now, buddy.
Jesus: Well, right. That's why I also have shares in Shell. And ExxonMobil. And Dubai.
Judas: Dubai?
Jesus: Like, the country.
Judas: So you sit on the boards of all those companies?
Jesus: Yeah, sure.
Judas: Isn't that illegal?
Jesus: No, don't worry -- I had a word with Timothy Geithner and he worked it all out.
Judas: Do you even know who that is?
Jesus: Yes. I am pretty sure Timothy Geithner is Batman.
Judas: You're an idiot.
Jesus: ...I hope Batman's not gonna be pissed that I revealed his secret identity.

Roman Holiday.

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 18:53:34 -0400

Jesus: Have you ever been to France?
Judas: No, I've been too busy babysitting recently.
Jesus: Oh, you've been looking after a child?
Judas: Of sorts, yes.
Jesus: You haven't been babysitting forever, though.
Judas: You're right. I used to be so free...
Jesus: So how come you never went to France? Is it because the Eiffel Tower is so scary?
Judas: Nobody's scared of the Eiffel Tower, Jesus. Nobody would ever be scared of the Eiffel Tower.
Jesus: That's not true; what if an evil wizard brought the tower to life and it lurched down the promenade, eating tourists with its huge iron mouth, and shitting them out all over the Arc de Triomphe?
Judas: ...Seems like an edge case, Jesus.
Jesus: I kind of had a bad dream.
Judas: I could tell. Would you like some hot milk?
Jesus: With vodka, like Mom used to make?
Judas: Wait, your mother used to give you vodka? God, this explains so muc--
Jesus: APRIL FOOLS!
Judas: Oh, okay. I mean for a second there I was worrie--
Judas: It was gin.

Grr. Argh.

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 12:55:27 -0500

Jesus: You've never met Frankenstein, right?
Judas: The fictional character?
Jesus: Uh-huh.
Judas: No. No, I have not met Frankenstein.
Jesus: Oh, okay then.
Judas: ...
Jesus: ...
Judas: Alright, I'll bite: why do you want to know if I've ever met Frankenstein?
Jesus: I'm just wondering -- do you think that guy has bad breath? Like, forever?
Judas: I think halitosis is the least of his worries, Jesus.
Jesus: Right, with the villagers and the ice floe and shit. I know. But, like, I bet even if he brushed his teeth, it would just smell bad again real soon because he's decomposing.
Judas: I think your problem lies with three assumptions you're making. 1) That Frankenstein *has* teeth. 2) That he gives even a second's thought to his personal hygiene. And 3) That I care in any way about what you're saying.
Jesus: You're mean today.
Judas: Maybe that's because someone has made me watch 'Frankenstein' over and over for a week straight.
Jesus: Hey, you're free to leave at any time, buddy.
Judas: Then why do you have me tied to a chair?
Jesus: Do you think those bolts in his neck *hurt*?

MacArthur.

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 12:36:36 -0500

Judas: ...we are not having this conversation.
Jesus: Well, that's empirically untrue.
Judas: I should never have taught you that word.
Jesus: Look, *I* did the IQ test, I don't see why you can't too.
Judas: Because you'll have rigged it or something, and I'll come out with a lower score than Sarah Palin.
Jesus: Yeah, that reference isn't going to age badly at *all.*
Judas: I'll end up with some crazy low score, and you'll spend the rest of the day crowing about it. I'm not an idiot, Jesus.
Jesus: Then prove it. Take the test.
Judas: What do you think this is, 'Back to the Future'? You can't get me to do something by implying I'm a coward.
Jesus: Okay, first off -- I hate 'Back to the Future.' I always feel so bad for that Biff dude.
Judas: Obviously...
Jesus: And second -- I haven't done anything to the test. I swear to Dad.
Judas: Yeah, we get it, you're the Son of God.
Jesus: Please just take the test?
Judas: Ugh, fine. What's the first question?
Jesus: Okay, um... "Square is to pig, as rocketship is to [blank]."
Judas: ...Are you kidding?
Jesus: That's the question, I promise. Take a look!
Judas: Yeah, this isn't an IQ test. It's Peter's college dissertation on the Dada movement.
Jesus: ...Punchline!

Ba-dum-tish.

Wed, 03 Feb 2010 13:16:40 -0500

Judas: Can I ask you something about this Tim Tebow Superbowl anti-abortion ad?
Jesus: Absolutely not. I don't talk about religion or politics, people get too riled up.
Judas: First, it's amazing to me that a woman's right to have control over her body is considered a matter of either, but... isn't it kind of your job to talk about religion?
Jesus: Look, all I'll say is render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's.
Judas: That totally doesn't apply to this situation.
Jesus: Judas, what if I had been aborted? You ever think to ask yourself that?
Judas: Good point. Alternatively, what if Hitler had been aborted?
Jesus: YES! I WIN!
Judas: What? No you don't. I was refuting your argument in a simple wa-
Jesus: You mentioned Hitler first. Godwin's law says I win.
Judas: No, I win, because you mentioned Godwin's law, and Edison's corollary states that the first person to do *that* automatically loses the debate on the grounds that they're clearly such an asshole that they feel the need to de-legitimize the other person's argument purely on the basis that it involves a reference to Hitler.
Jesus: Who's "Edison"?
Judas: Hell if I know. Probably some nerd.

The spirit of... something.

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 14:10:33 -0500

Judas: Jesus, did you use my credit card to buy a copy of "The Anarchist Cookbook"?
Jesus: Does anyone ever really "do" anything?
Judas: And did you also attempt to have Exxon-Mobil deliver a shipment of gasoline drums to my apartment?
Jesus: Maybe.
Judas: So, can I assume it was also you who stole my checkbook and used it to purchase toiletries while writing "for bombs" in the memo field?
Jesus: Eh.
Judas: What the hell are you doing, man, trying to get me sent to Guantanamo Bay?
Jesus: Oh, great, now you've gone and ruined your birthday surprise.
Judas: This is an awful thing to do to someone. What do you have to say for yourself?
Jesus: ...
Judas: Well?
Jesus: Shh. I'm trying to work out how to include the phrase "walking on water-boarding" in my answer.
Judas: Get out.
Jesus: This is *my* house.
Judas: No it isn't.
Jesus: Psych!
Judas: That's not what that means.

Fanboy.

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 14:45:48 -0500

Jesus: Are you excited for the Apple tablet?
Judas: Well, it doesn't technically exist yet, so no.
Jesus: Like that's a reason to not be excited about something? There are plenty of things that might not exist, but that people still love.
Judas: Yeah, like what?
Jesus: Ahem.
Judas: Oh, right. It'll probably be easier to love the tablet, though, since it won't be turning people into pillars of salt or anything.
Jesus: Man, looks like someone hasn't read the latest Engadget rumors.

Funny Games

Sat, 16 Jan 2010 14:58:00 -0500

Jesus: Hey, man. I fucked up.
Judas: Can you get me a shot of adrenaline? Because my heart just stopped. From shock.
Jesus: I'm not kidding. I need your help. I did something really bad.
Judas: Okay, what did you do?
Jesus: Judas, are you familiar with voodoo?
Judas: No, stop it. Don't want to hear where this is going. You're a terrible person.
Jesus: Look, I was just trying to be post-modern! And meta!
Judas: Who taught you those words?
Jesus: And what could be more post-modern that making a voodoo doll of Haiti? Right?
Judas: It is astounding that you are the one person in the entirety of human history who definitely won't go to hell.
Jesus: Do you get it? Because Haiti is where voodoo *comes from.*
Judas: Yeah, I get it. You know what you should get? Your cell phone, so you can donate ten bucks by texting HAITI to 90999.
Jesus: You know who else is being hate-y?
Judas: YES. YOU.

Kegger.

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 12:07:06 -0500

Jesus: Hey, Judas! We're building an ark!
Judas: Oh no, is there gonna be another flood? Should I get two of every animal?
Jesus: No, no, not at all. I just want a clubhouse.
Judas: Shaped... shaped like an ark?
Jesus: Well, we still had the plans lying around, so...
Judas: So you're just going to build an ark here in the desert. Of course.
Jesus: Peter says if we get it up soon, we can host his brother's frat's party. Maybe get a beer-pong tournament going.
Judas: Are you sure you wouldn't rather do some good works, instead?
Jesus: Dude. What crazy, fucked-up world do you live in where hosting a beer-pong tournament is not a good work?